Sorry I'm Not Sorry

I'm 25 (almost), I socialize with my friends, I have two best friends and our friendships are entirely different and so wonderful in their own ways, I have guy friends- no I do not want to date them-any of them, sometimes I make poor decisions, I have my Masters degree and Bachelors degree, I have a job, I live with my parents, I try not to be dramatic-but it's in my blood I think, I will always watch the Disney Channel.  I'm pretty open about my life and know I'm not perfect, however, most adults who know me, especially my parents, would say I'm mature for my age and am very responsible.  SO when some middle-aged man, who has NEVER met me or even spoked with me, judges me I do not take this kindly. 

I'm pretty sure in elementary school, maybe middle school we learn about stereotypes.  I'm also pretty sure when learning about stereotypes we learn it's not a good practice to use them.  SO when I'm being stereptyped for being a young girl who must be a huge partier and has baby daddy drama I don't take this lightly.  If this middle-aged man would have cared to speak with me I'm fairly certain he would learn that yes I am a young girl, but I'm also a young girl who has previously lived in her own rented apartment, has no baby daddy drama, has a job that puts her Masters degree to use, and pays her bills on time, since she has been raised by two competant parents who engraved *paying bills is important* into her head.  I have little tolerance for people who act like they know everything in the world but yet cannot use proper grammar in every day conversation (**I know I don't have the BEST grammar, but I'd like to think it's better than most...this could be it's own ranting, venting blog).

So please, prove to me how uneducated you are by judging me before you meet me or even speak with me. 

Sorry I'm not sorry, I needed to vent.

Saint Bonaventure University

Most people who know me also know that I graduated from Saint Bonaventure University in 2009 with my Bachelors degree in Cheerleading, wait no, in Spanish and Political Science (yes I did study).  I loved it there, in fact, I still love it there. So when I moved home, back to Falconer, NY, I took every chance to go to a Bonas home game.

One of my best friends and I made the 45 minute trip and sat in the student section (behind the basket--i know, the boring student section, but we were also there to watch our cheer girls and this was the best place for that). We cheered loudly all season.  During the St. Joe's game in the Reilly Center we both shed a few tears, so incredibly happy that we were not only going to the conference games, but had a bi week.  Our senior year we were just happy to cheer the boys on at the first round game in Atlantic City.  Now we knew we would at least be playing in the second round!

After the great win over UMASS in the semi-final game I looked at my mom with tears in my eyes hoping my dad, also a proud bona alum, would take me to Atlantic City to watch bonas play for the championship and auto-bid into the NCAA dance, the only way bonas would get a bid.  Dad said no, BUT MOM SAID YES! We made the 7 hour trip Saturday night, watched the game Sunday afternoon, and were back in Falconer by 11:30pm that night. PHEW!

The Championship game was oustanding.  I rarely sat in my seat.  Mostly I was jumping up and down screaming at the top of my lungs "LET'S GO BONAS" and high fiving the '08 bona grads who were sitting in front of us.  This day I will remember forever. 

Since the game on Sunday I have smiled and cried numerous times when speaking or even just thinking about St. Bonaventure.  I just kept remembering how cool it is that I not only attended classes with some of the guys on the team but I might actually even consider some of them friends, or maybe just guys I see out at the OP and I know who they are and they recognize me and buy me a drink or two. Either way, this feeling is amazing, and I'm not ready for it to end.

FSU (3) vs. St. Bonaventure (14) THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED!! FSU is having a great season, and an even better end to their season/post-season.  Some people believe they could win it all. Bonaventure is the definite underdog here and have their work cut out for them.  People forget that this is COLLEGE basketball and the players are playing with HEART.  Bonaventure has the heart and the loyal fans on their side.  I know there is nowhere else I would rather be right now then in Nashville, TN, but paying back student loans says otherwise. boo.

So now, as I sit here and type this, through blury eyes from tearing up, and in my St. Bonaventure Bonnies A-10 Champions t-shirt (purchased in Atlantic City MINUTES after the game ended) and brown and gold bow from my cheerleading uniform senior year, I am preparing myself for the game that is less than an hour away. 

I do love a good fairy tale, and am in need of a good one today! Ready for a Cinderella story written about the BONNIES!

Why not us? If we're in it, we are in it to win it! Let's go Bonas!!  

"The Bawn-ies are b-yack, baby!" Coach Mark Schmidt

The Violet

I found this 50 question survey about yourself from the online magazine, The Violet. I found this very thoughtful :)

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 20 ? haha that's how old most people think i am when they look at me, I have a baby face :)
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? I believe this is because we are all too concerned with what other people think of us and therefor we do things to make others like us even if we don't like it.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I hope not. I hope I do all the things I say I will/want to do.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?  More love less hate.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Dancing.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Currently, settling, while I'm living at home, working for my parents, I'm settling, but I won't be for long, I refuse to have this be my life.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Nothing, except I'd probably already be married and have children by now haha
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I haven't had much control so far...that needs to change.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Equally both.  I try to do the right thing for myself and others, but I also have this fear of not living up to expectations so I find myself trying to do things right rather than doing the right things.  This is something I'm glad I can recognize so I can fix it and always do the right thing. It's a work in progress :)
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? When I was 16 I would have sat there, saying nothing. Now, however, I would say something.  When I read this question I thought about my two best girl friends and what I would do if people were criticizing them, I wouldn't be able to sit there and allow it to happen, I love them too much.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Live your life to the fullest, be careful but take risks, and sometimes it's okay to cry.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Yes. My dad has a friend who is schizophrenic...he paints beautiful paintings and sells them.  My dad has purchased numerous of these paintings, and I used to think they were just random paint strokes on a canvas, but after learning more about him and his paintings I realize now that each painting has a story behind it.  The painting of his I have in my bedroom is a heart and if you look closely you can see it has been pieced back together because it was a heart that has been broken but has healed and can love again.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Fall in love with something every day.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? People are different.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Get a tatoo. My father would kill me. No really, he would.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I would move to Spain. I studied there while in undergrad, and fell in love with the country, the culture, the people, everything.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? haha, yes I do push it more than once even though I know it won't come any faster.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton. I choose happiness.
22. Why are you, you? Because if I weren't me, who else would be ?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes, I try to be the friend I would want in every friendship, sometimes I fail, and sometimes I WIN !
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near.  One of the saddest things I think, is losing touch with someone who lives where you do, and it speaks volumes of a friendship when one person moves away but the relationship never fades.
25. What are you most grateful for? My life, and the journey it has taken me on so far.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Oh my, this one is tough. I guess I would choose to never be able to make new ones, only because I love all of the memories I already have and can never relive any of those moments.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Yes, for me anyway.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Not yet, but I have a lot of fears.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? Yes I remember, it mattered then, but it does not matter now.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? Playing in the tree fort with my sisters. We called it the Apple factory because they were apple trees and we pretended we were actually in production.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? New Years 2012 weekend. I was around great people and had a wonderful time without feeling like any of us had anything to prove. We were just great friends spending quality time together.
32. If not now, then when? No, now, always now. Don't wait on something or someone you love.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Ntohing. Take chances.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Oh yes.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? I don't know and I would love to understand why.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? I think so. Evil can only disguise itself as good for a short period of time, the truth will come out.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work I enjoy doing.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? I don't have an answer...at least not at this point in my life.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? As many people who I love as I possibly could.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No, I like the person I am.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Believe alive is breathing. Truly living is having love, happiness, family, and being yourself, doing what you want.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? When you know in your heart what is right for you.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? No one wants to admit they are wrong, or have made a wrong decision, and a mistake is just that. It's only after the mistake has been made that I can look back and learn from it, but that doesn't mean i want to make the mistake in the first place.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Shop way more often and spend way more money hahahaha
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Last night while I was trying to fall asleep.
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love love. Yes, I love with my whole heart and immediately.  If I know you, I probably love you in some way, unless you've done something to scar me.  Lately, I have been spending more time with my closest friends and family to remind myself and them of the love I have for them, whether they know it or not.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? No, until something life altering happens, like a marriage proposal, or my wedding, or the birth of my future child one day, I will not remember the details of day to day life, just that they happened.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? A little bit of both. I let what people will think of my decisions alter my choices. I am trying to stop that.

friends.

Friends.
Good friends.
Best friends.
Frenemies.
Acquaintances.
Old friends.
New friends.
Ex-friends.
Boyfriends.
Girlfriends.

Everyone has friends.  Everyone has many different kinds of friends. Sometimes good friends turn into best friends or even boyfriends or girlfriends, and sometimes best friends turn into frenemies, or even ex-friends.

What makes two people go from being good or even best friends to ex-friends or acquaintances? It's terribly sad.  There must be a breaking point though...it can be that simply distance makes a friendship fail, but I don't believe that because one of my very best friends and I went away to college and saw each other maybe twice during those four years and we are just as close, if not closer now.  I believe something has to happen.  Not necessarily a fight, maybe just a different opinion on a certain subject, or maybe lives just go in different directions and one gets left behind.  However it happens, it's sad.  That's all there is to it, it's sad.  The even sadder part, that I've come to notice, sometimes after one friend gets OUT of a relationship where the couple had a mutual friend, those friendships deteriorate. Maybe not immediately, or even with both people in the relationship, but eventually there is a loss of friendship.  Even sadder, the initial friends are sometimes the ones whose friendship doesn't last, and this new person who was brought into their lives through a relationship remains friends and simply takes them away. Maybe that's life ?

I love my friends, I would do almost anything for them at almost any given time. However, when I have "friends" who blatantly disregard my feelings and make me feel like the one in the wrong or make me feel like I'm over reacting or being dramatic, sorry sweetie, our friendship is speeding down hill at an increasing rate and you have no idea it's even happening until it's going to be too late.

NOT my favorite things...

cold weather

stomach aches

my shows NOT being new

mornings

snow

my sister's going back to school/work

texting first

Doctor appointments

favs.

pink nail polish

thanksgiving eve

moon brook

cabernet

sisters being home :)

peace signs

sparkly shoes

Life.

Because it’s not just about moving forward. It’s about ending up in the right place.